I’ve learned so much since I started my job as a stay at home mom. Being an independent woman with two Master’s degrees, I felt like I knew a lot, but being married and raising a daughter has taught me that I know nothing.
There are many types of people in this world. Some people need to be shown love through physical attention, some people need verbal attention, some people need emotional attention. I’ve been trying to figure out exactly what it is that I need to feel loved in a relationship. I used to think it was physical attention, and to some extent I think it still is. I need my daughter to give me huggie-mooches, and she loves to give them, so that’s good. But, with my husband, I think I need something different. Ever since we had Jade, I’m not the physically demanding person I used to be. I always wanted him to hug and kiss me, but now, I think I need something else. But what?
I know that he needs to see me happy to feel like I love him. If I’m not smiling when I’m in his presence, he feels like he’s not doing everything that he needs to for me to love him. Anyone who has ever watched a one year old all day knows that come the end of the day, you can be too tired to smile all the time. Well, it’s hard to get that idea across to my husband. So, I feel worse because I feel like I’m letting him down, because I know he needs it. It’s a vicious cycle.
But, what about me? I think that I need understanding (if that’s even something you can really get). I have gone through a lot of changes over the past 3 years. First, I got married. Then, I got pregnant. Then, I had a baby. Then, I change careers. Then, very recently I got pregnant again and had a miscarriage. I’m not the same person I was when my husband and I met 5 years ago. I’m a lot more submissive to the things that make my family happy, but sometimes I just want something for me. I feel selfish. But, in order for me to stay at home and have my most wonderful life with my daughter every day … in order for this wonderful experience to continue, we had to make sacrifices. My husband works his butt off all day at work for us. I give up spending money on me.
Now, anyone who knows me knows that I hate to shop, but I like to have things. I feel so special when I get things, whether I buy it for myself, or someone gives it to me. I just feel special. Well, now, I feel guilty if I get anything for myself, because we need the money to buy Jade things. I’m so torn. To feel special and loved, I need Jeremy to come home one day with a nice gesture for me. It doesn’t have to be anything expensive, just something that is for me that I would like. Not, a figurine (when I hate figurines that don’t have any meaning to me). Not, let me take you shopping (so you can try on things that will just depress you because they don’t fit). Not, a tool that I need to better make dinner or take care of the house and the family. Something for me. Something to make me feel pretty. Or something to make me feel loved. Or something to make me laugh or smile. Something that’s not about being married or about Jade. Something that’s just about me. Now, I feel really selfish. But, I think that’s what I need, every few years.
Yes, I’ve changed. I’ve had to learn that life is all about being flexible. I will do my best to put that smile on my face even when I’m too exhausted to stand up each evening. I do it because I love my husband and my life. I no longer carry my Coach purses. I no longer wear nice clothes every day with cute shoes to match. I do it because I want Jade to have the best of everything and I make sacrifices so she can. I’m not very good at making friends (I’m very shy and I’m very much an introvert), but I have made several, even became Vice President of a moms club so that Jade can have a good social experience. I do these things so that my wonderful life will continue to be wonderful, so that everyone around me will continue to be happy.
I understand that my husband is miserable having to spend every day at work away from us. I appreciate greatly the sacrifice he makes in order for us to have our wonderful life. He is my hero. He is my life saver. He is my love.
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