The hits keep coming

After months during pregnancy unable to eat the things I liked because of gestational diabetes, I found out yesterday that more than likely, my son has an allergy to milk protein. So, now I will spend the next year and a half without eating dairy. No cheese, no yogurt, no cream, no milk chocolate. Oh the things we do for our children.

I’m a wreck.  I hate that what I am eating is making my little boy be in so much pain.  When he’s awake, he’s crying.  And, it’s not just a little cry, it’s blood-curdling screams.  He’s writhing in pain, which is bringing back my tendinitis.  I want nothing more than to comfort him and make him feel better.

Jade likes to take advantage of my weaknesses.  She’s very smart that way. She knows that Maxwell is not doing well.  She knows that I am having a bad day.  She chooses the worst days to say “no” every time I ask her to do something.  She is pushing me to see if I’ll break.  Well, if last night is any indicator, I’m so close to breaking. I sat in bed, holding my crying son, crying my eyes out.  Then, at 2 a.m., when I woke up for a feeding, Jade was up for at least an hour coughing from her allergies, and Maxwell was up kicking and cringing from stomach pain.  I cried again.

I think I’m doing well, because I want to cry all the time, but held it to just those couple of times.  Unfortunately, I’ve yelled at my poor 3-year-old daughter more times than I would like, because I’m losing control of my emotions.

But, I’ve started exercising, so maybe that will help.  I took them both on a nice mile and a half walk around the neighborhood, pushing them in my new stroller.  I still had pain, but I made it. Maybe if I keep it up, I will feel better.  I can only hope.

One month gone

My baby boy is 1 month old.  I will never again hold a brand new baby. My little boy is betting bigger and bigger.  I am falling apart.

Well, we had trouble breastfeeding.  I am so jealous of all those people who have an easy time with it.  Maxwell had a difficult time latching in the beginning, and my milk didn’t come in as fast as he needed it to, so he lost more than a pound from birth to the end of the first week.  At day 3, because of our experience with Jade and her weight-loss and because of Maxwell’s jaundice, we decided to start supplementing with formula, and I started pumping to try to increase supply.  This was the devastating to me because I had hoped that all of Jade’s problems were because I was so sick, and that this time would be better.

We were released from the hospital, and because of the billy blanket and the supplementing, Maxwell’s jaundice was under control and almost gone.  But, after visiting the doctor, he still wasn’t gaining weight the way he needed to be.  So, we had to supplement more.  I was on the exhausting routine of pumping after every time we fed, and we were feeding every 2 hours.  The world revolved around my boobs again.

After 2 weeks, we were at the point where we were no longer using formula to supplement, but just pumped milk, so I felt a little better.  The good news was that after 3 weeks, we were no longer supplementing at all.  My little man was gaining weight with just what he got off of me, and if we tried to bottle feed him, he would throw up.  I was very excited that we were so far ahead of where we had been with Jade.

But, I still feel like the worst mother in the world.  He’s always hungry.  He’s still feeding every 1-2 hours, including at night.  I’m exhausted.  Jade wants to play, but I’m always feeding Maxwell.  I feel like I’m neglecting her, and I miss playing with her.  The few times I’ve gotten to play with her, it’s been cut short by a crying Maxwell.  She seems to be ok, but I feel horrible.

I cry a lot.  The only time I’m not crying is when Jade is around. She keeps me strong, mostly because if I even show a sad face she says “Mommy, why do you have this sad face?” It breaks my heart.  So, I store it all up and I ball all night long, with my wonderful husband sleeping to one side of me and my adorable son sleeping to the other side of me. (or crying in my arms, or nursing).  So, is this just baby blues, or do I have postpartum depression again?

Time is flying by so fast. My little girl is growing up. My little boy is growing up. And, I can’t help but think that I am screwing them both up.

He’s Here!

My world is complete.  I now have everything I could ever dream of.  I have a wonderful husband, a beautiful daughter, and now a handsome son.

Maxwell Lee arrived at 9:28 a.m. on January 9, 2013.  It was rough.  I arrived early, so they could test my platlets, which had been low, and they didn’t take me back until late.  After finally testing everything and seeing I was ok, they attempted to get my epidural going.  My legs were numbed, but when they tried to put the catheter in, it hurt. So, they called the doctor, and they had him redo my epidural.  So, I’m extremely pregnant, nervous as can be, emotional as can be, and now my epidural is failing for my repeat c-section.

Well, the doctor puts it in himself, and it works this time.  They take me back to the operating room only a few minutes behind schedule, but as I wait in the bright, cold room, Jeremy’s not there.  I ask if he’s coming, and they promise me they won’t start without him, but I’m getting scared.  I need him.  He’s my rock.  I try not to cry again, since my hands are pinned down and I won’t be able to wipe the tears away.

He comes in and they begin, and the tugging and cutting is much longer and more brutal than I remember it from 3 years before.  And, as they are about to take him out, I look over at my monitor, not feeling so well,and see that my blood pressure is very low (like 50/20).  Jeremy quickly asks the nurse about it, and she quickly gives me something, which brings it back up, and makes a comment that it is ok since they know what is causing it.  I feel like I’m going to pass out, but then I hear him cry.  My baby is alive and here!

After a few minutes, they bring him over to me, all wrapped up, and he’s beautiful!  But now I have to come up with a name.  We went in with it narrowed down to either Maxwell or Sebastian.  What did he look like?  Well, he could have been either.  He was just perfect, but I wasn’t sure which way to go.  We picked Maxwell, and they were off.  I was “alone” and my husband and son were off to get tests done.

They sew me up and take me to recovery, where I can’t stop shaking.  It is like I’m cold, but I’m not.  My body was convulsing every couple of minutes.  Then it would calm down for a minute and it would start up again.

Good news was that Maxwell’s blood sugar was good.  Bad news was that his breathing was too fast for the doctor’s liking.  So, we didn’t have to give him formula, but we had to send him to the “transition nursery” instead of coming to the room with me, to nurse and bond.

So, I’m shaking uncontrollably, and they are taking my baby away.  What a nightmare!!!

5 hours later, they finally brought him back to me, and the road to being a family of 4 finally began.  It was a rough start, and the adventures in breastfeeding only continued that rough start.   But, I’m a fighter, and my little man is a fighter, and we are going to get through this.  He is going to gain weight.  I am not going to get postpartum depression. We are going to get through this a lot better than we did in the beginning with Jade.

More adventures to come soon.