One month gone

My baby boy is 1 month old.  I will never again hold a brand new baby. My little boy is betting bigger and bigger.  I am falling apart.

Well, we had trouble breastfeeding.  I am so jealous of all those people who have an easy time with it.  Maxwell had a difficult time latching in the beginning, and my milk didn’t come in as fast as he needed it to, so he lost more than a pound from birth to the end of the first week.  At day 3, because of our experience with Jade and her weight-loss and because of Maxwell’s jaundice, we decided to start supplementing with formula, and I started pumping to try to increase supply.  This was the devastating to me because I had hoped that all of Jade’s problems were because I was so sick, and that this time would be better.

We were released from the hospital, and because of the billy blanket and the supplementing, Maxwell’s jaundice was under control and almost gone.  But, after visiting the doctor, he still wasn’t gaining weight the way he needed to be.  So, we had to supplement more.  I was on the exhausting routine of pumping after every time we fed, and we were feeding every 2 hours.  The world revolved around my boobs again.

After 2 weeks, we were at the point where we were no longer using formula to supplement, but just pumped milk, so I felt a little better.  The good news was that after 3 weeks, we were no longer supplementing at all.  My little man was gaining weight with just what he got off of me, and if we tried to bottle feed him, he would throw up.  I was very excited that we were so far ahead of where we had been with Jade.

But, I still feel like the worst mother in the world.  He’s always hungry.  He’s still feeding every 1-2 hours, including at night.  I’m exhausted.  Jade wants to play, but I’m always feeding Maxwell.  I feel like I’m neglecting her, and I miss playing with her.  The few times I’ve gotten to play with her, it’s been cut short by a crying Maxwell.  She seems to be ok, but I feel horrible.

I cry a lot.  The only time I’m not crying is when Jade is around. She keeps me strong, mostly because if I even show a sad face she says “Mommy, why do you have this sad face?” It breaks my heart.  So, I store it all up and I ball all night long, with my wonderful husband sleeping to one side of me and my adorable son sleeping to the other side of me. (or crying in my arms, or nursing).  So, is this just baby blues, or do I have postpartum depression again?

Time is flying by so fast. My little girl is growing up. My little boy is growing up. And, I can’t help but think that I am screwing them both up.