Ugh, the pain and emotions!

I didn’t expect this day to come for a few more months, but here it is.

When I had Jade, she was 11 months when it came back.  It was right before Christmas, and I was visiting my family up in Michigan. I had to get a pad from my mom before I headed to the airport.  It was so painful, and the emotions were so great.  I had to fight the tears for an entire week, because I always wanted to be strong for my daughter.  I still want to be strong for my daughter.

So, here I am again. Maxwell is 7 months.  It’s too early!

The first period after you have a baby or a miscarriage is the most painful period you will have in your life.  Even if you are used to very painful periods, this one is the worst.  I normally have one day of cramps that are so bad that it makes me throw up, and then it isn’t so bad after that.  I have headaches for the entire week.  It’s a miserable full 7 days, usually.  But the first one,it is worse.  The pain is so bad, for the full 7 days.  The headaches are unbearable.   The flow is so heavy.  This is the 4th and last time I will have to go through this.

No one talks about this.  This is not one of the things that people talk about. Why do women only share the positives that surround having a child?  Why don’t they talk about the challenges?  Why don’t they warn you about what you are going to have to go through?

Is it because their afraid that no one will have children if they know all of the truths?  Why can’t women look out for other women and warn them of what is to come?  I’m sure most would still have children, because the joy of having a child outweighs all pains and challenges.  I would go through, and have gone through so much, so that I could have my two dear lovely, wonderful children.  I just wish this one pain didn’t have to come so soon.

Jade is my rock. Why doesn’t anyone understand that?

I suffer from Postpartum Depression.  It was bad when I had Jade, but I got through it with therapy and the support of my loving husband.  I had Maxwell 7 months ago, and I have it pretty bad again.  I can’t sleep well.  I can’t focus. My memory is all over the place.  I’m exhausted. And, if I let myself, I cry myself to sleep every night.  Why?  My children are wonderful.  My life is perfect.  I couldn’t ask for anything better.  It’s just these darned hormones messing with me.

But, I get through each day without crying, without breaking down, making sure my family is well taken care of, for just one reason.  That reason is my beautiful, sweet, crazy daughter. Because she is here, always here, asking questions, with me, and wanting to be with me. I am strong, for her.  I don’t cry all the time, for her.  I don’t break down every minute, for her.  I get up and put food on the table, for her. I keep the house clean, for her.  I go out and socialize with others, for her.

I know I will get through this, but right now, I need her.  So, when you ask to take my beautiful, sweet girl “off my hands,” you are taking away everything that is holding me together.  When you take her away from me, you make my day more difficult, because I have to dig deep down and find my own strength to keep everything going. It is exhausting, and I feel like I am going to collapse by the end of the day. And, I feel like I’ve missed something.  I feel like I am a failure in my job.

So, I know you are well-meaning and you are just trying to help.  But, I want to be with my children.  I want to experience everything I possibly can with them.  I am a stay-at-home mom to be with them.  I don’t want to miss a thing.  When I miss something, I feel like I failed, which takes me deeper into my depression, making it even more difficult for me to get out of it.

My lovely daughter is amazing.  My precious son is amazing.  Without them, I am nothing.

We’re trying dairy again

My little boy is absolutely amazing, and my daughter so stinking cute and amazing.  I absolutely love my family!

We introduced solids 3 1/2 weeks ago.  First rice, and he didn’t do so well.  He didn’t have a reaction, but he wasn’t quite ready to start eating yet.  Every little bit put into his mouth, he spit out.  A week later, we introduced oatmeal, and he was finally starting to get an interest in eating, and he was keeping some of the food in his mouth.  A week later, we introduced mixed grains, and he is eating like a champ. He keeps the food in his mouth.  He swallows.  He asks for more.

He’s currently eating solid food twice a day.

Now, this week, we are introducing dairy back into my diet.  It has been 3 days, and so far, no reaction yet.  He isn’t fussy. He isn’t screaming. His poops are normal.   I think he may be past the allergies!  I’m so cautiously excited!

And now, our baby-making days are over.  Today, Jeremy had a vasectomy.  He’s a big baby, but he’s doing better than I expected.  I have a feeling I’m going to be exhausted by the end of this weekend.  At least Maxwell has his two teeth through and he’s been sleeping through the night.  Hopefully he keeps that up so I can rest at night.