An ending, but what begins?

Note:  This is a message about breastfeeding, so if you don't want to read about it, stop now.

Friday night was my last time breastfeeding.  Last night when I went to put Maxwell down, he was so mad at me.  I have been so devastated.  I didn't think it was going to hit me this hard.

When I first had Jade, I knew I wanted to try to breastfeed, but I didn't know how long I would last.  When we started, we had a lot of trouble.  Jade couldn't figure out how to latch.  We spent our entire day feeding, just to get her to put on some weight and not lose weight. I never knew how hard it was going to be, but we made it through.  Jade and I breastfed for 17 months.  She was easy to wean, though.  By the time she was 17 months, she was ready to be done.  I thought it would be harder, since she always nursed to sleep (I know it's not smart, but she would never stay awake and I didn't know what else to do). But, the first night we went without, she didn't fight me.  She cried briefly and went to sleep.  She never asked for it again either.

Then came Maxwell.  We had problems getting him to latch as well.  It was not nearly as bad as with Jade.  He figured it out much quicker and started gaining weight in no time.  He didn't want to feed as much as Jade did and wasn't nearly as big as she got, but he still grew well and did well.  He always went to sleep awake.  He almost never fell asleep while nursing (big difference from Jade).  He started weening very well.  He cut out the first few feedings with no issues and he never asked for it until we cut out the nap and the morning.  Then he started to show signs of being upset with me.  But, nothing like this last one.  I got him all ready for bed.  I read him two stories.  We went to turn off his light.  Then it happened.  When I would normally go and nurse him, I put him in his crib (just like I would after I nursed him).  He arched his back and started screaming (full temper-tantrum).

So, I left his room quietly and cried.   I'll probably cry myself to sleep a few more nights.  But we'll both get through this.

So, this stage of our lives is ending.   I will never have another baby.  I will never breastfeed again.  I want my baby back!