The hits keep coming

After months during pregnancy unable to eat the things I liked because of gestational diabetes, I found out yesterday that more than likely, my son has an allergy to milk protein. So, now I will spend the next year and a half without eating dairy. No cheese, no yogurt, no cream, no milk chocolate. Oh the things we do for our children.

I’m a wreck.  I hate that what I am eating is making my little boy be in so much pain.  When he’s awake, he’s crying.  And, it’s not just a little cry, it’s blood-curdling screams.  He’s writhing in pain, which is bringing back my tendinitis.  I want nothing more than to comfort him and make him feel better.

Jade likes to take advantage of my weaknesses.  She’s very smart that way. She knows that Maxwell is not doing well.  She knows that I am having a bad day.  She chooses the worst days to say “no” every time I ask her to do something.  She is pushing me to see if I’ll break.  Well, if last night is any indicator, I’m so close to breaking. I sat in bed, holding my crying son, crying my eyes out.  Then, at 2 a.m., when I woke up for a feeding, Jade was up for at least an hour coughing from her allergies, and Maxwell was up kicking and cringing from stomach pain.  I cried again.

I think I’m doing well, because I want to cry all the time, but held it to just those couple of times.  Unfortunately, I’ve yelled at my poor 3-year-old daughter more times than I would like, because I’m losing control of my emotions.

But, I’ve started exercising, so maybe that will help.  I took them both on a nice mile and a half walk around the neighborhood, pushing them in my new stroller.  I still had pain, but I made it. Maybe if I keep it up, I will feel better.  I can only hope.

One month gone

My baby boy is 1 month old.  I will never again hold a brand new baby. My little boy is betting bigger and bigger.  I am falling apart.

Well, we had trouble breastfeeding.  I am so jealous of all those people who have an easy time with it.  Maxwell had a difficult time latching in the beginning, and my milk didn’t come in as fast as he needed it to, so he lost more than a pound from birth to the end of the first week.  At day 3, because of our experience with Jade and her weight-loss and because of Maxwell’s jaundice, we decided to start supplementing with formula, and I started pumping to try to increase supply.  This was the devastating to me because I had hoped that all of Jade’s problems were because I was so sick, and that this time would be better.

We were released from the hospital, and because of the billy blanket and the supplementing, Maxwell’s jaundice was under control and almost gone.  But, after visiting the doctor, he still wasn’t gaining weight the way he needed to be.  So, we had to supplement more.  I was on the exhausting routine of pumping after every time we fed, and we were feeding every 2 hours.  The world revolved around my boobs again.

After 2 weeks, we were at the point where we were no longer using formula to supplement, but just pumped milk, so I felt a little better.  The good news was that after 3 weeks, we were no longer supplementing at all.  My little man was gaining weight with just what he got off of me, and if we tried to bottle feed him, he would throw up.  I was very excited that we were so far ahead of where we had been with Jade.

But, I still feel like the worst mother in the world.  He’s always hungry.  He’s still feeding every 1-2 hours, including at night.  I’m exhausted.  Jade wants to play, but I’m always feeding Maxwell.  I feel like I’m neglecting her, and I miss playing with her.  The few times I’ve gotten to play with her, it’s been cut short by a crying Maxwell.  She seems to be ok, but I feel horrible.

I cry a lot.  The only time I’m not crying is when Jade is around. She keeps me strong, mostly because if I even show a sad face she says “Mommy, why do you have this sad face?” It breaks my heart.  So, I store it all up and I ball all night long, with my wonderful husband sleeping to one side of me and my adorable son sleeping to the other side of me. (or crying in my arms, or nursing).  So, is this just baby blues, or do I have postpartum depression again?

Time is flying by so fast. My little girl is growing up. My little boy is growing up. And, I can’t help but think that I am screwing them both up.

He’s Here!

My world is complete.  I now have everything I could ever dream of.  I have a wonderful husband, a beautiful daughter, and now a handsome son.

Maxwell Lee arrived at 9:28 a.m. on January 9, 2013.  It was rough.  I arrived early, so they could test my platlets, which had been low, and they didn’t take me back until late.  After finally testing everything and seeing I was ok, they attempted to get my epidural going.  My legs were numbed, but when they tried to put the catheter in, it hurt. So, they called the doctor, and they had him redo my epidural.  So, I’m extremely pregnant, nervous as can be, emotional as can be, and now my epidural is failing for my repeat c-section.

Well, the doctor puts it in himself, and it works this time.  They take me back to the operating room only a few minutes behind schedule, but as I wait in the bright, cold room, Jeremy’s not there.  I ask if he’s coming, and they promise me they won’t start without him, but I’m getting scared.  I need him.  He’s my rock.  I try not to cry again, since my hands are pinned down and I won’t be able to wipe the tears away.

He comes in and they begin, and the tugging and cutting is much longer and more brutal than I remember it from 3 years before.  And, as they are about to take him out, I look over at my monitor, not feeling so well,and see that my blood pressure is very low (like 50/20).  Jeremy quickly asks the nurse about it, and she quickly gives me something, which brings it back up, and makes a comment that it is ok since they know what is causing it.  I feel like I’m going to pass out, but then I hear him cry.  My baby is alive and here!

After a few minutes, they bring him over to me, all wrapped up, and he’s beautiful!  But now I have to come up with a name.  We went in with it narrowed down to either Maxwell or Sebastian.  What did he look like?  Well, he could have been either.  He was just perfect, but I wasn’t sure which way to go.  We picked Maxwell, and they were off.  I was “alone” and my husband and son were off to get tests done.

They sew me up and take me to recovery, where I can’t stop shaking.  It is like I’m cold, but I’m not.  My body was convulsing every couple of minutes.  Then it would calm down for a minute and it would start up again.

Good news was that Maxwell’s blood sugar was good.  Bad news was that his breathing was too fast for the doctor’s liking.  So, we didn’t have to give him formula, but we had to send him to the “transition nursery” instead of coming to the room with me, to nurse and bond.

So, I’m shaking uncontrollably, and they are taking my baby away.  What a nightmare!!!

5 hours later, they finally brought him back to me, and the road to being a family of 4 finally began.  It was a rough start, and the adventures in breastfeeding only continued that rough start.   But, I’m a fighter, and my little man is a fighter, and we are going to get through this.  He is going to gain weight.  I am not going to get postpartum depression. We are going to get through this a lot better than we did in the beginning with Jade.

More adventures to come soon.

Love Christmas, but not this year

Christmas is my favorite time of year.  I love all of the baking and parties and fun times with my family.  This year, I’m 8 months pregnant and have gestational diabetes, and am being monitored very heavily for the onset of pre-eclampsia.  So, this year just hasn’t been all I like it to be.

Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely loved doing fun crafts with my daughter. I loved watching her excitement when she saw Santa.  I loved watching her open her presents.  And, I’m still loving watching her play with all of her new toys.  This Christmas has been the best ever!  Never before has anyone appreciated so much all the hard-work I put into decorating and shopping to make their Christmas special.  She is awesome, and this was awesome!  Plus, this year, Jade and I made cookies together, and decorated them together.  This was so much fun!

But, every year, I usually make tons of peanut butter balls.  But, since I can’t eat them, and I’m supposed to be resting, I was told not to make them.

Every year, we have lots of parties to go to, and I get to make something different to take to each one.  We were invited to 3 parties that we had to turn down going to because of my state of pregnancy, and the couple that we did go to, I wasn’t allowed to make anything.  I had to just buy stuff to take with us.  I was very disappointed that we couldn’t go to see our friends and have a good time. I was equally disappointed that I wasn’t able to make new, yummy things to share with our friends.

My husband went away the week after we bought our tree.  Because I was having sciatic nerve issues, I couldn’t bend over to check the water level in the tree, and it went dry. So, my beautiful tree started to sag before Christmas.  It was pretty pathetic looking on Christmas day, and here we are 3 days before New Years Day, and it is completely taken down, and our house is de-Christmased. Talk about depressing a highly emotional pregnant woman.

And now, I’m more pregnant than I’ve ever been.  I passed the 37 week mark (Jade was born at 36w6d), and I’m miserable.  I’m contracting about 4 times an hour, pretty regularly. I can’t eat anything good, and my sugars are still wacky.  I have a constant headache.  My vision gets blurry a few times a day. I ache everywhere.  I am also so nervous!  We have 1 1/2 weeks left before our scheduled c-section.  My husband has been working so hard to get the nursery done. It is painted a beautiful chilled Lemonade.  The carpet is ordered and being installed on Monday.  Then, he has 1 day of vacation left to get the furniture together.  At least, this is something I can help with!

Wish us luck! I’m not sure if I’ll be able to write before the baby is born!

Leaving my daughter overnight

My little girl is almost 3 years old, and this weekend will be the first time that we leave her overnight.  Since we are having our baby boy in just 4 1/2 weeks, we figured it would be a good idea to test out how she does being left overnight (waking up without Mommy) before we head off to the hospital for 4 nights.

So, with a great discount from a great family relative, we are heading to Disney’s Swan for a night.  We’ll check into the hotel, head off to dinner, get “the best seats in the house” at Cirque de Soleil, sleep in comfort and quiet, sleep in, enjoy a delicious breakfast in peace and quiet, and then come home to our lovely 2-year-old.  It should be a very nice weekend.  I just hope that she doesn’t freak out when I’m not there in the morning.  She has never gone to bed and woken up to me not being here.

I’m doing my best to prepare her for it, but it’s hard, when you have no clue how she’s going to react.  She could be fine, since she’ll have Grandma Cindy over.  Or, she might be very upset.

Of course, I doubt this will help my worries about the birth.  1 night is one thing, but 4 nights is a completely different story.  I won’t be coming home the next day. She’ll have to come see me in the hospital, with IVs, and in pain.  Plus, when we do come home, we’ll be bringing home her baby brother.  So far, she seems excited about it, but that could change pretty quickly when he is actually here.

I need to stop worrying.  It is not helping my blood pressure.  But, she’s my little girl. She will always be my baby girl, and I am always going to worry about her and her sensitive feelings.  If people want to think I’m weird for not just running off happily to my fun weekend with my hubby and not thinking about how my baby girl is going to handle it, then they can think I’m weird!

Survived Thanksgiving!

Two dinners in one day is just too much, especially when you have a 2 year old and you are trying to keep your blood pressure under control.  But, I kept it down enough to be home in my own bed tonight.

My husband’s parents are divorced, so Thanksgiving consists of dinner at his Grandmother’s on his Dad’s side for lunch, home for nap and make the side dish for the next party, then, dinner at his Grandmother’s on his Mom’s side for supper.  It’s a very long day.  Plus, the political conversations are just terrible!

This year was even worse because I have GD and couldn’t eat hardly anything.  I couldn’t even drown my discomfort in wine or pie.  But, I have a beautiful daughter, a very loving husband, and a baby boy that keeps kicking my insides to remind me how wonderful life is and that it is ok to be uncomfortable for one day.

I am thankful for many things.  I am most thankful for my husband, who puts up with a lot of crap every day at work so that I can stay at home and spend my time with my beautiful daughter and soon handsome son.  We have a roof over our heads, food in the kitchen, and we don’t have to really want for anything.  We have everything we need.  I am the luckiest girl in the land, even without wine and pie.

How to keep your blood pressure down?!

Well, it has been a while since I posted, but things have been super busy around here.  Luckily, things are still good, and my daughter is happy as ever and my son is growing well inside, still.

But, my blood pressure is slowly on the rise.  It is responding very much the same as it did when I was pregnant with my daughter.  It had been low (10x/6x range) for the entire first two trimesters.  But, the second I hit the 3rd trimester it started to rise.  Now it is consistently moving up. It is still good (12x/7x), but definitely higher than it has been, which is exactly what happened last time.  With Jade, at about 30 weeks, I got my first “high” reading.  By 32 weeks I was on bed rest.  I’m 29 weeks now, and I’m getting a little nervous.

What makes things worse is the holidays are coming up.  This means lot of family parties and running around, which means lots of stress.  If only my husband’s family could get together and do one party.  But, on Thanksgiving, we’ll be spending the morning at his Dad’s family’s party, rushing home to get Jade a nap and to make a side dish, and then heading out to his Mom’s family’s party.  I’m trying to come up with an idea of something I can make in advance so that maybe I can nap between parties, but I’m drawing a blank as to something that would be good and can be made completely in advance.

Christmas isn’t so bad because the parties are on different days, at least.  But, there is currently a lot of tension between my little family and the rest of the family. Some others in the family have some beliefs about us that just aren’t true, and it has caused some hard feelings and tension.  Of course, just thinking about it makes me sad and stressed.  I wish everyone would just get along and stop projecting their insecurities onto others, but that just isn’t the way it is, and so everyone suffers.

So, meditation, playing with Jade, and resting are on the agenda for the next 9 weeks!  Hopefully, I will make it through that long.