Not a lot to say

I know I’m a few days late with my weekly post this week, but I’ve found I don’t have a whole lot to talk about right now.   I’m a bit down and not feeling it, but I want to let everyone know that I’m still here and thinking of you.  I have been very busy too, with baking, and company, and fun with my wonderful family.

I made my husband’s grandmother’s date nut cookies and a batch of sugar cookies this week.  I also made my father’s famous peanut butter balls this week.  I made a trip out to Lakeland to see my old work friends. We made our annual trip to Hollywood Studios to see the Osbourne Lights as a family this week. We celebrated Christmas with Jeremy’s Dad’s side of the family. And, I lost another baby this week.  I guess you can say it has been a very busy week.

Ok, yes, I did just say that, and now you know the reason why I’m just not feeling it, sitting here exhausted (physically and emotionally).  It’s my 2nd miscarriage in 100 days and I am devastated.  It happened this weekend, and so I’m waiting until morning to be able to call the doctor to get in to see what is going on.  It is such an emotional roller coaster to be so excited to find out your pregnant at the beginning of the week, only to lose the baby at the end of the week.  And, to go through that twice in just 3 months is not something I wish upon anyone.

I am trying to be strong in front of Jade.  Do you realize how very sad it is for your adorable almost-2-year-old to say to you “What’s the matter, Momma?”  It makes you just want to cry even more.

My husband is the greatest, but he has no clue what to do for me.  Hell, I don’t even know what to do for me! I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I don’t feel like doing anything. I don’t want to be around anyone. I feel like such a failure.  But mostly, I’m scared that I’m not going to be able to have another child, just when Jeremy finally agrees that Jade needs a sibling.

I know this is not the upbeat, fun story that my loyal readers expect to read about and I’m sorry for bringing you down with my sadness.  I promise. Give me a couple of weeks, and I’ll be back to my normal self.  My daughter’s 2nd birthday party details will be coming soon. The invitations went out and I will be getting excited about it as soon as we get past this week.