Are we ready for a plot twist?

Last weekend, my family had an adventure that was really nice, but filled with a bit of a scary thought.  My husband interviewed with a very big company out in Washington, and the family went with him to check out the area.  Are the Breidings ready for a change, a reboot, as my husband keeps saying?

Seattle was an interesting place.  There seemed to be a lot to do out there.  But, it is gray.  We were there for 3 days, and we only saw the sun for a total of about 15 minutes.  Can I live in a place that is gray all the time?  Can I survive without the sun?  Can I survive without warmth?

Luckily, my two kids are hot boxes.  They both radiate heat. As long as they like to give me hugs, they can keep me warm.  But, when they grow up and get to the “I hate you, Mom” stage, I’m going to be cold and gray. I hope they don’t get to that stage any time soon, and I hope they don’t stay in it long.

I’m nervous. I’m excited. I’m scared. I am doing my best to only think rationally about this.  I’m doing my best to stay strong and think positive.  I will not bring this family down. I will not hold our family back.

Can anyone really like me?

I’ve spent much of my life wanting a friend, someone who likes me, and wants to spend time with me for no reason other than to spend time with me. But, people have never liked me enough to get close.

I’ve had a lot of male friends through my life.  Of course, most of them ended up not really being friends.  They all wanted something more, well all except for one, who unfortunately lives in a different state.

Of course, there is my husband.  He is my best friend.  He loves me for me.  He wants to spend time with me before anyone else.  But, everyone needs someone to complain about their husband to, right?

Women, on the other hand, never even pretend to like me.  Sure, they’ll be slightly friendly to my face, but then most will talk about me behind my back.  Some will even pretend to like me when I’m around them, but would never even think about calling me to hang out.  I just want to be called every now and then.

Then, I moved to Central Florida.  I met a wonderful group of ladies when I worked at Publix.  They invited me to parties and asked me to hang out every now and then.  None of them ever called me to talk, or wanted to hang out, just to hang out.  But, it was closer to having a friend than I had ever had.

Then, I became a Mom and I found MOMS Club.  I met a bunch of wonderful ladies.  Then, they started moving away, one by one.  I was about to give up on the idea of having a friend, when a new group of moms joined the club.

I think I have friends now. There is a group of ladies who invite me to things, to hang out now and then.  Some will call to do something for no reason other than to hang out with me and my family.  Their kids like my kids.  My kids like their kids.

I know I’m not their first choice.  I know sometimes they call each other to do things and don’t include me. But, they do call me sometimes, and that is more than I ever had before.  Sure, it makes me sad that none of them would consider me a best friend, but I have more than I ever had before, so I will not dwell on it and take what I can get.

Ugh, the pain and emotions!

I didn’t expect this day to come for a few more months, but here it is.

When I had Jade, she was 11 months when it came back.  It was right before Christmas, and I was visiting my family up in Michigan. I had to get a pad from my mom before I headed to the airport.  It was so painful, and the emotions were so great.  I had to fight the tears for an entire week, because I always wanted to be strong for my daughter.  I still want to be strong for my daughter.

So, here I am again. Maxwell is 7 months.  It’s too early!

The first period after you have a baby or a miscarriage is the most painful period you will have in your life.  Even if you are used to very painful periods, this one is the worst.  I normally have one day of cramps that are so bad that it makes me throw up, and then it isn’t so bad after that.  I have headaches for the entire week.  It’s a miserable full 7 days, usually.  But the first one,it is worse.  The pain is so bad, for the full 7 days.  The headaches are unbearable.   The flow is so heavy.  This is the 4th and last time I will have to go through this.

No one talks about this.  This is not one of the things that people talk about. Why do women only share the positives that surround having a child?  Why don’t they talk about the challenges?  Why don’t they warn you about what you are going to have to go through?

Is it because their afraid that no one will have children if they know all of the truths?  Why can’t women look out for other women and warn them of what is to come?  I’m sure most would still have children, because the joy of having a child outweighs all pains and challenges.  I would go through, and have gone through so much, so that I could have my two dear lovely, wonderful children.  I just wish this one pain didn’t have to come so soon.

Jade is my rock. Why doesn’t anyone understand that?

I suffer from Postpartum Depression.  It was bad when I had Jade, but I got through it with therapy and the support of my loving husband.  I had Maxwell 7 months ago, and I have it pretty bad again.  I can’t sleep well.  I can’t focus. My memory is all over the place.  I’m exhausted. And, if I let myself, I cry myself to sleep every night.  Why?  My children are wonderful.  My life is perfect.  I couldn’t ask for anything better.  It’s just these darned hormones messing with me.

But, I get through each day without crying, without breaking down, making sure my family is well taken care of, for just one reason.  That reason is my beautiful, sweet, crazy daughter. Because she is here, always here, asking questions, with me, and wanting to be with me. I am strong, for her.  I don’t cry all the time, for her.  I don’t break down every minute, for her.  I get up and put food on the table, for her. I keep the house clean, for her.  I go out and socialize with others, for her.

I know I will get through this, but right now, I need her.  So, when you ask to take my beautiful, sweet girl “off my hands,” you are taking away everything that is holding me together.  When you take her away from me, you make my day more difficult, because I have to dig deep down and find my own strength to keep everything going. It is exhausting, and I feel like I am going to collapse by the end of the day. And, I feel like I’ve missed something.  I feel like I am a failure in my job.

So, I know you are well-meaning and you are just trying to help.  But, I want to be with my children.  I want to experience everything I possibly can with them.  I am a stay-at-home mom to be with them.  I don’t want to miss a thing.  When I miss something, I feel like I failed, which takes me deeper into my depression, making it even more difficult for me to get out of it.

My lovely daughter is amazing.  My precious son is amazing.  Without them, I am nothing.

We’re trying dairy again

My little boy is absolutely amazing, and my daughter so stinking cute and amazing.  I absolutely love my family!

We introduced solids 3 1/2 weeks ago.  First rice, and he didn’t do so well.  He didn’t have a reaction, but he wasn’t quite ready to start eating yet.  Every little bit put into his mouth, he spit out.  A week later, we introduced oatmeal, and he was finally starting to get an interest in eating, and he was keeping some of the food in his mouth.  A week later, we introduced mixed grains, and he is eating like a champ. He keeps the food in his mouth.  He swallows.  He asks for more.

He’s currently eating solid food twice a day.

Now, this week, we are introducing dairy back into my diet.  It has been 3 days, and so far, no reaction yet.  He isn’t fussy. He isn’t screaming. His poops are normal.   I think he may be past the allergies!  I’m so cautiously excited!

And now, our baby-making days are over.  Today, Jeremy had a vasectomy.  He’s a big baby, but he’s doing better than I expected.  I have a feeling I’m going to be exhausted by the end of this weekend.  At least Maxwell has his two teeth through and he’s been sleeping through the night.  Hopefully he keeps that up so I can rest at night.

6 months … 1 step forward, 1 step back

So, Maxwell is 6 months old now!  I can’t believe how fast this year is going by.  He is getting so big and so smart too fast! We’ve had a very bumpy, but exciting road.

So, everything was going well. I was very diligent with my diet. I made everything from scratch. I have taken so much extra time to not use anything processed, and he has done well, until one day, he started to get a little bit of a rash in his diaper area.  It wasn’t a diaper rash and it wasn’t in the areas where the tinkles or stinkies sit, but across the top.  It appeared to be a reaction to the diaper.

So, I ran out the next day and bought some cloth diapers.  I never once in my life even thought of cloth diapering.  The initial expense and the continued expenses (including the amount of time I have to invest) wasn’t appealing at all.  It was a hassle I did not want in my life.  Disposable diapers just seemed so much easier.

I am a bit overwhelmed.  Everyone I talked to suggested BumGenius, but no one sells them.  I couldn’t find them anywhere. They were even out of stock online.  So, I went to Target to see what they had (covers for prefolds or something).  I found Charlie Banana.  I bought 2 to try them out.  I also went online and bough 10 prefold diapers and 4 Thirsty covers.

So, the Charlie Banana diapers were nice.  They were very soft and he liked how they felt on him.  They were also pretty easy to use.  But, they are quite expensive, and to use them, we’d have to have quite a few, or else I’d be doing laundry twice a day.

The prefolds with cover are much cheaper.  The 10-pack were only $17, and the covers were $10 a piece.  So, you only need to change the diaper and can reuse the cover.  With 10 for $17, we’re good to do laundry every day and a half.  That’s a much more affordable and easier option for maintenance. The downside … my husband can’t do the pins.  So, if we use those, I would have to change every diaper.  That makes that option, not an option.

So, I’m in search of a multi-pack of Charlie Banana diapers on sale.

Good news, since we’ve used the cloth diapers, his rash has gone away and he is back to being a happy boy again.

Better news, we introduced Soy back into my diet, and he didn’t have a reaction.

I think  we’re going to try to reintroduce dairy in about a month.  Maxwell started eating food yesterday, and he’s loving it.  So, we’re going to keep moving him forward slowly.  It’s exciting!

The fun never ends

Attention, attention, attention!  That is what everyone wants, my attention! I’m about to go crazy and just need 5 minutes of quiet, alone, without someone screaming!

My 3-year-old is losing her mind!  She is pushing every button we have.  She says “no” to everything.  When she doesn’t get her way, she screams and cries.  When I’m not playing with her, she does something to make sure she always has my attention.

And, to make matters worse, she’s being even worse with my husband.  She pushes more of his buttons before I even wake up in the morning, which sets him off in the “greatest” of moods for the day.  Of course, both of them take it out on me … wonderful!

My 3-month-old fights sleep.  So, if I don’t get him down at the perfect time, he will scream and scream.

So, if Jade’s not screaming and crying to get my attention, or Jeremy isn’t yelling because he was set off in the morning, then Maxwell is screaming at me.  And, I’ve been feeling sick ever since I started this dairy and soy free diet.  I don’t think my body likes not having cheese and yogurt.  I just feel week and tired.

So, if anyone has any tips on getting Jade in line, I’d love the help.

On a positive note, though, Maxwell had mastered rolling over.  He smiles such an amazing smile.  So, I get through the day with hugs from Jade and smiles from Maxwell.