Ugh, the pain and emotions!

I didn’t expect this day to come for a few more months, but here it is.

When I had Jade, she was 11 months when it came back.  It was right before Christmas, and I was visiting my family up in Michigan. I had to get a pad from my mom before I headed to the airport.  It was so painful, and the emotions were so great.  I had to fight the tears for an entire week, because I always wanted to be strong for my daughter.  I still want to be strong for my daughter.

So, here I am again. Maxwell is 7 months.  It’s too early!

The first period after you have a baby or a miscarriage is the most painful period you will have in your life.  Even if you are used to very painful periods, this one is the worst.  I normally have one day of cramps that are so bad that it makes me throw up, and then it isn’t so bad after that.  I have headaches for the entire week.  It’s a miserable full 7 days, usually.  But the first one,it is worse.  The pain is so bad, for the full 7 days.  The headaches are unbearable.   The flow is so heavy.  This is the 4th and last time I will have to go through this.

No one talks about this.  This is not one of the things that people talk about. Why do women only share the positives that surround having a child?  Why don’t they talk about the challenges?  Why don’t they warn you about what you are going to have to go through?

Is it because their afraid that no one will have children if they know all of the truths?  Why can’t women look out for other women and warn them of what is to come?  I’m sure most would still have children, because the joy of having a child outweighs all pains and challenges.  I would go through, and have gone through so much, so that I could have my two dear lovely, wonderful children.  I just wish this one pain didn’t have to come so soon.

Jade is my rock. Why doesn’t anyone understand that?

I suffer from Postpartum Depression.  It was bad when I had Jade, but I got through it with therapy and the support of my loving husband.  I had Maxwell 7 months ago, and I have it pretty bad again.  I can’t sleep well.  I can’t focus. My memory is all over the place.  I’m exhausted. And, if I let myself, I cry myself to sleep every night.  Why?  My children are wonderful.  My life is perfect.  I couldn’t ask for anything better.  It’s just these darned hormones messing with me.

But, I get through each day without crying, without breaking down, making sure my family is well taken care of, for just one reason.  That reason is my beautiful, sweet, crazy daughter. Because she is here, always here, asking questions, with me, and wanting to be with me. I am strong, for her.  I don’t cry all the time, for her.  I don’t break down every minute, for her.  I get up and put food on the table, for her. I keep the house clean, for her.  I go out and socialize with others, for her.

I know I will get through this, but right now, I need her.  So, when you ask to take my beautiful, sweet girl “off my hands,” you are taking away everything that is holding me together.  When you take her away from me, you make my day more difficult, because I have to dig deep down and find my own strength to keep everything going. It is exhausting, and I feel like I am going to collapse by the end of the day. And, I feel like I’ve missed something.  I feel like I am a failure in my job.

So, I know you are well-meaning and you are just trying to help.  But, I want to be with my children.  I want to experience everything I possibly can with them.  I am a stay-at-home mom to be with them.  I don’t want to miss a thing.  When I miss something, I feel like I failed, which takes me deeper into my depression, making it even more difficult for me to get out of it.

My lovely daughter is amazing.  My precious son is amazing.  Without them, I am nothing.

We’re trying dairy again

My little boy is absolutely amazing, and my daughter so stinking cute and amazing.  I absolutely love my family!

We introduced solids 3 1/2 weeks ago.  First rice, and he didn’t do so well.  He didn’t have a reaction, but he wasn’t quite ready to start eating yet.  Every little bit put into his mouth, he spit out.  A week later, we introduced oatmeal, and he was finally starting to get an interest in eating, and he was keeping some of the food in his mouth.  A week later, we introduced mixed grains, and he is eating like a champ. He keeps the food in his mouth.  He swallows.  He asks for more.

He’s currently eating solid food twice a day.

Now, this week, we are introducing dairy back into my diet.  It has been 3 days, and so far, no reaction yet.  He isn’t fussy. He isn’t screaming. His poops are normal.   I think he may be past the allergies!  I’m so cautiously excited!

And now, our baby-making days are over.  Today, Jeremy had a vasectomy.  He’s a big baby, but he’s doing better than I expected.  I have a feeling I’m going to be exhausted by the end of this weekend.  At least Maxwell has his two teeth through and he’s been sleeping through the night.  Hopefully he keeps that up so I can rest at night.

6 months … 1 step forward, 1 step back

So, Maxwell is 6 months old now!  I can’t believe how fast this year is going by.  He is getting so big and so smart too fast! We’ve had a very bumpy, but exciting road.

So, everything was going well. I was very diligent with my diet. I made everything from scratch. I have taken so much extra time to not use anything processed, and he has done well, until one day, he started to get a little bit of a rash in his diaper area.  It wasn’t a diaper rash and it wasn’t in the areas where the tinkles or stinkies sit, but across the top.  It appeared to be a reaction to the diaper.

So, I ran out the next day and bought some cloth diapers.  I never once in my life even thought of cloth diapering.  The initial expense and the continued expenses (including the amount of time I have to invest) wasn’t appealing at all.  It was a hassle I did not want in my life.  Disposable diapers just seemed so much easier.

I am a bit overwhelmed.  Everyone I talked to suggested BumGenius, but no one sells them.  I couldn’t find them anywhere. They were even out of stock online.  So, I went to Target to see what they had (covers for prefolds or something).  I found Charlie Banana.  I bought 2 to try them out.  I also went online and bough 10 prefold diapers and 4 Thirsty covers.

So, the Charlie Banana diapers were nice.  They were very soft and he liked how they felt on him.  They were also pretty easy to use.  But, they are quite expensive, and to use them, we’d have to have quite a few, or else I’d be doing laundry twice a day.

The prefolds with cover are much cheaper.  The 10-pack were only $17, and the covers were $10 a piece.  So, you only need to change the diaper and can reuse the cover.  With 10 for $17, we’re good to do laundry every day and a half.  That’s a much more affordable and easier option for maintenance. The downside … my husband can’t do the pins.  So, if we use those, I would have to change every diaper.  That makes that option, not an option.

So, I’m in search of a multi-pack of Charlie Banana diapers on sale.

Good news, since we’ve used the cloth diapers, his rash has gone away and he is back to being a happy boy again.

Better news, we introduced Soy back into my diet, and he didn’t have a reaction.

I think  we’re going to try to reintroduce dairy in about a month.  Maxwell started eating food yesterday, and he’s loving it.  So, we’re going to keep moving him forward slowly.  It’s exciting!

The fun never ends

Attention, attention, attention!  That is what everyone wants, my attention! I’m about to go crazy and just need 5 minutes of quiet, alone, without someone screaming!

My 3-year-old is losing her mind!  She is pushing every button we have.  She says “no” to everything.  When she doesn’t get her way, she screams and cries.  When I’m not playing with her, she does something to make sure she always has my attention.

And, to make matters worse, she’s being even worse with my husband.  She pushes more of his buttons before I even wake up in the morning, which sets him off in the “greatest” of moods for the day.  Of course, both of them take it out on me … wonderful!

My 3-month-old fights sleep.  So, if I don’t get him down at the perfect time, he will scream and scream.

So, if Jade’s not screaming and crying to get my attention, or Jeremy isn’t yelling because he was set off in the morning, then Maxwell is screaming at me.  And, I’ve been feeling sick ever since I started this dairy and soy free diet.  I don’t think my body likes not having cheese and yogurt.  I just feel week and tired.

So, if anyone has any tips on getting Jade in line, I’d love the help.

On a positive note, though, Maxwell had mastered rolling over.  He smiles such an amazing smile.  So, I get through the day with hugs from Jade and smiles from Maxwell.

3 months!

Maxwell is 3 months today.  He’s smiles at me all the time. He’s giggling when we dance.  He is amazing!

The biopsy results came in, and it said infectious colitis, but the doctor doesn’t think that it is actually what it is.  She’s convinced it is a dairy and soy allergy.  So, we’re going to stay dairy and soy free until he’s 6 months and then we’re going to try introducing it back in and see how he’s doing.  But, we’re also going back in a month with a stool sample to see if there are any microscopic traces of blood.  If there is, they will do an anemia test to make sure he is doing ok.

We also had his first trip to Disney World last weekend!  We all had a great time.  Jade rode her first roller coaster (Goofy’s Barnstormers).  She drove a car (Speedway).  She got a pirate makeover.  She was adorable and so happy, and so was I.  Maxwell had a good time, sleeping through most of it. I can’t wait to go again!

We’re doing better

So, after going through the procedure to find out what’s wrong with little man, and then having his 2 month shots, he hasn’t had any problems since.  So, maybe it is a dairy and soy allergy and it just took it that long to get out of both of our systems and for him to heal. We’re starting to get into a routine.

So, just when I thought I was about to go crazy from lack of sleep and worry, things start to finally look up.  Little man is sleeping in stretches longer than 2 hours, for at least part of the night.  Sure, he wants to eat every two hours during the day, but at least I get a good stretch of sleep at night. And, he hasn’t woken up screaming in pain in over a week!  I am so excited!

So, living dairy and soy free means a lot of extra cooking on my part.  Everything processed is out.  So, I’ve made pumpkin bread, and banana bread, and carrot nut bread.  I’ve made chocolate pudding made with avocados.  Casseroles are rough, because it is hard without cream or cheese.

I will be posting recipes very soon, once I get a free moment when I’m not exhausted … hopefully very soon.