What will the new year bring?

2013 was a big year for the Breiding family.  What will 2014 bring?

Just 9 days into 2013, our lovely son Maxwell was born.  It was a a much easier birth and recovery than I had with Jade.  I had to recover fast though.  I had Jade to take care of, and I was the president of the MOMS Club.  Everyone needed me.

Maxwell’s first few weeks were rough, just like with Jade.  He had trouble latching on, and wasn’t gaining weight (in fact he was losing weight).  But, he bounced back fast than she did.  He learned how to eat quickly and bulked up pretty fast. But, he wouldn’t take a bottle, so we had to deal with that.

A couple of months later, after a lot of rough nights and some scary symptoms, we found out Maxwell had an allergy to dairy and soy.  So, I had to cut that out of my diet.  Luckily, it didn’t last too long.  At 7 months, we tried introducing it back into my diet, and the symptoms did not return.

While I was in the hospital having Maxwell, Jeremy got a phone call offering him a job where he would work from home most of the time, which he accepted.  It was nice having him home for the first year of Maxwell’s life. He got to spend more time with Jade and Maxwell.  I got a little bit of help, which I needed.

Just before Easter, Jeremy decided he needed to enhance our family once more with a puppy.  We got lucky and found a puppy in a rescue.  Her mother had been rescued pregnant.  She’s a Jack Russell/Chihuahua mix, with a lot of energy and a lot of spunk.  She’s very fast.  But, with all that energy, Jade still wears her out.

Our summer went by pretty much as normal.  Nothing exciting, just fun as a family in Orlando.

Then, Jeremy started interviewing for new jobs.  In September, we took a family trip out to Washington, so he could interview with Microsoft.  He loved it.  We had fun.

A few weeks later, Jeremy took a trip out to San Antonio to interview with Rackspace.

A week later, we made the decision to pack up our family and move to San Antonio.  We had a month to get everything ready and by the end of November, we were in Texas, our house in Orlando cleared out.

So, a new baby, a new puppy, and a new home in 2013.  What will 2014 bring us?  I’m excited to find out. I’m excited to watch what Jade and Maxwell will learn. I’m excited to watch my husband grow at his new job.  I’m excited to see what I have in front of me.  What will I do?  Stay tuned to see!

First month in Texas

We’ve been here a month now, and we’re doing okay.

We got here the week before Thanksgiving, which made Thanksgiving very interesting.  Me, the one who loves to cook, had to buy a pre-cooked turkey and sides, because all of my dishes and everything were still in boxes.  We had a nice day, though.  I had my husband and beautiful children with me, and that was all that mattered.

My husband is freaking out a bit about his job. He is super smart, but he’s afraid that they are going to expect more from him than he can give. I’m confident that he will shine, but he’s a worrier.

I’ve contacted the local MOMS club here.  They are very different from Orlando.  Most of them have older kids. I haven’t met another Mom with a baby yet.  They aren’t very active.  I’m in desperate need of some connections here besides my stressed husband and my small children.  I’ve looked for other groups, but so far, none of them are accepting me.

Finding a preschool for Jade has been rough. I’m just not as thrilled with what they offer here.  I’ve settled for a school and have her signed up to start in January.  I hope it ends up being ok.  The trickiest part is that I have to decide if I like it in a month, because that is when enrollment for next year is, and schools fill up quickly here.  She’s been begging to go to school too, so I know she misses fun time with people her own age.

Maxwell is doing great.  He’s trying to drop his morning nap.  The good news is that he has been sleeping for 3 hours when he naps just once.  Now if I can only get him to sleep through  the night.

Christmas is just two days away.  There are tons of presents under our tree. I have the turkey in the fridge. I’ve made peanut butter balls, cookies, and pies.  It’s cold here.  It could snow, but it probably won’t.

So, all-in-all, we’re doing okay.  One month down.  I think we’ll be doing “well” by Easter.

This is getting real

The company my husband is going to work for is packing us up, so here we are 5 days from our move date, and we haven’t packed anything yet.  It really hasn’t seemed real, until today.  Yesterday was my husband’s last day in the office.  This morning, they movers came to pick up his car.  This is really happening.

People always say, you find out who your true friends really were when you move, and I’ve found that to be the case throughout my life.  With the exception of family (of course) and the casual Facebook “friends,” I haven’t kept in touch with very many people from Michigan, where I grew up and spent 18 years of my life.  And, after spending 9 years in Miami, I only have 1 person I keep in touch with from there, except for those Facebook “friends.”  Now, I’ve been in Central Florida for 10 years, 4 years in Lakeland and the last 6 years here in Orlando.

Everyone has very busy lives, but for those that you care about, you make time.  It doesn’t have to be hours on the phone every week, or even tons of letters.  It’s more of a meaningful connection, like what my friend from Miami and I have.  We don’t have to talk every day, or even every week.  But, we know that when either of us needs someone for anything, the other person will be there.  We keep in touch and keep up with each other’s lives.  We are there for the important events. We know, and we understand that life in two different cities and two different places in our lives make it difficult.  But, it doesn’t matter.  We are friends.

Will anyone from here continue to be a friend once we’re not here?  Or, will we all change to casual Facebook friends?

Craziness of Moving

I can’t believe that in 2 weeks we will be on the road headed to our new home.  I never envisioned myself a Texan, but in 2 weeks, that is just what I will be.  Wow! I’m excited! I’m nervous!  I’m freaking out!

There is so much to do  to get ready.  We’re trying to sell things that we don’t want or need before we move, which is a pain.  We’re trying to organize.  Plus, I’m trying to keep life as normal as possible so that the kids don’t freak out too much.

Sadly, I think I’m failing, because Maxwell is clinging to me, so I think he knows something is up.

What’s worse is that we are just now signing a lease for a place to live today.  It was difficult finding something that we both liked and that was in our price range and that we could agree to the lease terms.  At least that stress is now behind us and we have a place secured.

Now, with less than 2 weeks left in Orlando, we are so busy!  We don’t have a free night for the next 2 weeks!  It’s just crazy!  How am I supposed to get anything done? How am I supposed to get any relaxing in?  Can I cry now?

Plus, we’re moving right before the holidays. I’m worried about my hubby.  He’s never been away from here before, and for us to do this  move right before the biggest family time of the year, I’m nervous.  I hope he’ll be ok away from everyone.  I hope I can make Thanksgiving and Christmas nice enough for him.

Wish me luck! I’m going to need it!

We’re moving on!

Yee-haw! The Breidings are moving to Texas!

Jeremy has accepted a very good offer with Rackspace and we’re moving to San Antonio, TX in 1 month!  It’s exciting!  It’s scary!  There is so much to do and so little time to do it in!  And, I feel like nothing is in my control right now!

So, I’m cooking a lot!  And, I’m going to Disney a lot!

More details to come as I find out more.  If anyone has any tips on places to live, pediatricians, preschools, etc., in San Antonio, send them my way, please!

I’m waiting on a decision for our future

So, when last we spoke, we had just gone out to Washington for an interview.  Now, here we are 3 weeks later, and Jeremy is in Texas for another interview.  What will our future hold?  Where will we be next year at this time?  Who knows.

Jeremy really had his heart set on Washington, but so far, they have not made him an offer, so it is not looking too good. While waiting for that to come through, he has continued to pursue other options, including one at his current company, and one in San Antonio, TX.  This is ironic because about a week before we went to Washington, I bought Jade 3 pairs of shoes, a pair of rain boots, a pair of flip flops, and a pair of cowgirl boots.

So, here we are with three jobs on  the table (or around the table, since we have no offers yet): One in Washington (rain boots), one in Orlando (flip flops),and one in Texas (cowgirl boots).

For my husband’s ego’s sake, I’m hoping that by the end of this week we have a decision to make.  I’m hoping that he will have at least 2 (hopefully 3) offers on the table to decide from.  Will we take flip flops and stay where we are at?  Will we take cowgirl boots and move to Texas?  Will we take rain boots and move to Washington?

I know that if all three were on the table, my husband would prefer Washington for MANY reasons.  Sadly, I think that one is the least likely of the three to be on the table.  If he had to choose between Orlando and Texas, I’m not sure what he would prefer, though.

But, this isn’t a blog about what my husband wants and thinks, is it?  It’s about me and my thoughts.  What are my thoughts?

Well, politically and educationally, Washington would be the better place for us.  Weather and health-wise, Orlando is the better place for me, although I think Jade and Jeremy would do better in Washington due to their seasonal allergies.  The idea of going somewhere where it is cold, again, does not sound fun to me, but I like the idea of going some place new and starting OUR life together.

Here in Orlando, we live in the house my husband bought with his ex-wife.  We are surrounded by his family and friends. He has lived his entire life here.  I was just fit in and made to adapt, which I do very well.  The plus-side to Orlando is that we have family, if we need them, and Jade can see her great-grandparents all the time (which is really cool).  Also, we have Disney, and I can load the kids up and go there whenever I want, which I’ve done twice this month already.

But, in Texas or Washington, we would be starting new as our own family.  I would get a say in where we live.  We would be doing everything new and together, not based around his old life.

It’s exciting and scary.  I’m hoping we have something more to talk about next week, with actual offers on the table. Send him good vibes and wish us luck!

Are we ready for a plot twist?

Last weekend, my family had an adventure that was really nice, but filled with a bit of a scary thought.  My husband interviewed with a very big company out in Washington, and the family went with him to check out the area.  Are the Breidings ready for a change, a reboot, as my husband keeps saying?

Seattle was an interesting place.  There seemed to be a lot to do out there.  But, it is gray.  We were there for 3 days, and we only saw the sun for a total of about 15 minutes.  Can I live in a place that is gray all the time?  Can I survive without the sun?  Can I survive without warmth?

Luckily, my two kids are hot boxes.  They both radiate heat. As long as they like to give me hugs, they can keep me warm.  But, when they grow up and get to the “I hate you, Mom” stage, I’m going to be cold and gray. I hope they don’t get to that stage any time soon, and I hope they don’t stay in it long.

I’m nervous. I’m excited. I’m scared. I am doing my best to only think rationally about this.  I’m doing my best to stay strong and think positive.  I will not bring this family down. I will not hold our family back.

Can anyone really like me?

I’ve spent much of my life wanting a friend, someone who likes me, and wants to spend time with me for no reason other than to spend time with me. But, people have never liked me enough to get close.

I’ve had a lot of male friends through my life.  Of course, most of them ended up not really being friends.  They all wanted something more, well all except for one, who unfortunately lives in a different state.

Of course, there is my husband.  He is my best friend.  He loves me for me.  He wants to spend time with me before anyone else.  But, everyone needs someone to complain about their husband to, right?

Women, on the other hand, never even pretend to like me.  Sure, they’ll be slightly friendly to my face, but then most will talk about me behind my back.  Some will even pretend to like me when I’m around them, but would never even think about calling me to hang out.  I just want to be called every now and then.

Then, I moved to Central Florida.  I met a wonderful group of ladies when I worked at Publix.  They invited me to parties and asked me to hang out every now and then.  None of them ever called me to talk, or wanted to hang out, just to hang out.  But, it was closer to having a friend than I had ever had.

Then, I became a Mom and I found MOMS Club.  I met a bunch of wonderful ladies.  Then, they started moving away, one by one.  I was about to give up on the idea of having a friend, when a new group of moms joined the club.

I think I have friends now. There is a group of ladies who invite me to things, to hang out now and then.  Some will call to do something for no reason other than to hang out with me and my family.  Their kids like my kids.  My kids like their kids.

I know I’m not their first choice.  I know sometimes they call each other to do things and don’t include me. But, they do call me sometimes, and that is more than I ever had before.  Sure, it makes me sad that none of them would consider me a best friend, but I have more than I ever had before, so I will not dwell on it and take what I can get.

Ugh, the pain and emotions!

I didn’t expect this day to come for a few more months, but here it is.

When I had Jade, she was 11 months when it came back.  It was right before Christmas, and I was visiting my family up in Michigan. I had to get a pad from my mom before I headed to the airport.  It was so painful, and the emotions were so great.  I had to fight the tears for an entire week, because I always wanted to be strong for my daughter.  I still want to be strong for my daughter.

So, here I am again. Maxwell is 7 months.  It’s too early!

The first period after you have a baby or a miscarriage is the most painful period you will have in your life.  Even if you are used to very painful periods, this one is the worst.  I normally have one day of cramps that are so bad that it makes me throw up, and then it isn’t so bad after that.  I have headaches for the entire week.  It’s a miserable full 7 days, usually.  But the first one,it is worse.  The pain is so bad, for the full 7 days.  The headaches are unbearable.   The flow is so heavy.  This is the 4th and last time I will have to go through this.

No one talks about this.  This is not one of the things that people talk about. Why do women only share the positives that surround having a child?  Why don’t they talk about the challenges?  Why don’t they warn you about what you are going to have to go through?

Is it because their afraid that no one will have children if they know all of the truths?  Why can’t women look out for other women and warn them of what is to come?  I’m sure most would still have children, because the joy of having a child outweighs all pains and challenges.  I would go through, and have gone through so much, so that I could have my two dear lovely, wonderful children.  I just wish this one pain didn’t have to come so soon.

Jade is my rock. Why doesn’t anyone understand that?

I suffer from Postpartum Depression.  It was bad when I had Jade, but I got through it with therapy and the support of my loving husband.  I had Maxwell 7 months ago, and I have it pretty bad again.  I can’t sleep well.  I can’t focus. My memory is all over the place.  I’m exhausted. And, if I let myself, I cry myself to sleep every night.  Why?  My children are wonderful.  My life is perfect.  I couldn’t ask for anything better.  It’s just these darned hormones messing with me.

But, I get through each day without crying, without breaking down, making sure my family is well taken care of, for just one reason.  That reason is my beautiful, sweet, crazy daughter. Because she is here, always here, asking questions, with me, and wanting to be with me. I am strong, for her.  I don’t cry all the time, for her.  I don’t break down every minute, for her.  I get up and put food on the table, for her. I keep the house clean, for her.  I go out and socialize with others, for her.

I know I will get through this, but right now, I need her.  So, when you ask to take my beautiful, sweet girl “off my hands,” you are taking away everything that is holding me together.  When you take her away from me, you make my day more difficult, because I have to dig deep down and find my own strength to keep everything going. It is exhausting, and I feel like I am going to collapse by the end of the day. And, I feel like I’ve missed something.  I feel like I am a failure in my job.

So, I know you are well-meaning and you are just trying to help.  But, I want to be with my children.  I want to experience everything I possibly can with them.  I am a stay-at-home mom to be with them.  I don’t want to miss a thing.  When I miss something, I feel like I failed, which takes me deeper into my depression, making it even more difficult for me to get out of it.

My lovely daughter is amazing.  My precious son is amazing.  Without them, I am nothing.

We’re trying dairy again

My little boy is absolutely amazing, and my daughter so stinking cute and amazing.  I absolutely love my family!

We introduced solids 3 1/2 weeks ago.  First rice, and he didn’t do so well.  He didn’t have a reaction, but he wasn’t quite ready to start eating yet.  Every little bit put into his mouth, he spit out.  A week later, we introduced oatmeal, and he was finally starting to get an interest in eating, and he was keeping some of the food in his mouth.  A week later, we introduced mixed grains, and he is eating like a champ. He keeps the food in his mouth.  He swallows.  He asks for more.

He’s currently eating solid food twice a day.

Now, this week, we are introducing dairy back into my diet.  It has been 3 days, and so far, no reaction yet.  He isn’t fussy. He isn’t screaming. His poops are normal.   I think he may be past the allergies!  I’m so cautiously excited!

And now, our baby-making days are over.  Today, Jeremy had a vasectomy.  He’s a big baby, but he’s doing better than I expected.  I have a feeling I’m going to be exhausted by the end of this weekend.  At least Maxwell has his two teeth through and he’s been sleeping through the night.  Hopefully he keeps that up so I can rest at night.

6 months … 1 step forward, 1 step back

So, Maxwell is 6 months old now!  I can’t believe how fast this year is going by.  He is getting so big and so smart too fast! We’ve had a very bumpy, but exciting road.

So, everything was going well. I was very diligent with my diet. I made everything from scratch. I have taken so much extra time to not use anything processed, and he has done well, until one day, he started to get a little bit of a rash in his diaper area.  It wasn’t a diaper rash and it wasn’t in the areas where the tinkles or stinkies sit, but across the top.  It appeared to be a reaction to the diaper.

So, I ran out the next day and bought some cloth diapers.  I never once in my life even thought of cloth diapering.  The initial expense and the continued expenses (including the amount of time I have to invest) wasn’t appealing at all.  It was a hassle I did not want in my life.  Disposable diapers just seemed so much easier.

I am a bit overwhelmed.  Everyone I talked to suggested BumGenius, but no one sells them.  I couldn’t find them anywhere. They were even out of stock online.  So, I went to Target to see what they had (covers for prefolds or something).  I found Charlie Banana.  I bought 2 to try them out.  I also went online and bough 10 prefold diapers and 4 Thirsty covers.

So, the Charlie Banana diapers were nice.  They were very soft and he liked how they felt on him.  They were also pretty easy to use.  But, they are quite expensive, and to use them, we’d have to have quite a few, or else I’d be doing laundry twice a day.

The prefolds with cover are much cheaper.  The 10-pack were only $17, and the covers were $10 a piece.  So, you only need to change the diaper and can reuse the cover.  With 10 for $17, we’re good to do laundry every day and a half.  That’s a much more affordable and easier option for maintenance. The downside … my husband can’t do the pins.  So, if we use those, I would have to change every diaper.  That makes that option, not an option.

So, I’m in search of a multi-pack of Charlie Banana diapers on sale.

Good news, since we’ve used the cloth diapers, his rash has gone away and he is back to being a happy boy again.

Better news, we introduced Soy back into my diet, and he didn’t have a reaction.

I think  we’re going to try to reintroduce dairy in about a month.  Maxwell started eating food yesterday, and he’s loving it.  So, we’re going to keep moving him forward slowly.  It’s exciting!

The fun never ends

Attention, attention, attention!  That is what everyone wants, my attention! I’m about to go crazy and just need 5 minutes of quiet, alone, without someone screaming!

My 3-year-old is losing her mind!  She is pushing every button we have.  She says “no” to everything.  When she doesn’t get her way, she screams and cries.  When I’m not playing with her, she does something to make sure she always has my attention.

And, to make matters worse, she’s being even worse with my husband.  She pushes more of his buttons before I even wake up in the morning, which sets him off in the “greatest” of moods for the day.  Of course, both of them take it out on me … wonderful!

My 3-month-old fights sleep.  So, if I don’t get him down at the perfect time, he will scream and scream.

So, if Jade’s not screaming and crying to get my attention, or Jeremy isn’t yelling because he was set off in the morning, then Maxwell is screaming at me.  And, I’ve been feeling sick ever since I started this dairy and soy free diet.  I don’t think my body likes not having cheese and yogurt.  I just feel week and tired.

So, if anyone has any tips on getting Jade in line, I’d love the help.

On a positive note, though, Maxwell had mastered rolling over.  He smiles such an amazing smile.  So, I get through the day with hugs from Jade and smiles from Maxwell.

3 months!

Maxwell is 3 months today.  He’s smiles at me all the time. He’s giggling when we dance.  He is amazing!

The biopsy results came in, and it said infectious colitis, but the doctor doesn’t think that it is actually what it is.  She’s convinced it is a dairy and soy allergy.  So, we’re going to stay dairy and soy free until he’s 6 months and then we’re going to try introducing it back in and see how he’s doing.  But, we’re also going back in a month with a stool sample to see if there are any microscopic traces of blood.  If there is, they will do an anemia test to make sure he is doing ok.

We also had his first trip to Disney World last weekend!  We all had a great time.  Jade rode her first roller coaster (Goofy’s Barnstormers).  She drove a car (Speedway).  She got a pirate makeover.  She was adorable and so happy, and so was I.  Maxwell had a good time, sleeping through most of it. I can’t wait to go again!

We’re doing better

So, after going through the procedure to find out what’s wrong with little man, and then having his 2 month shots, he hasn’t had any problems since.  So, maybe it is a dairy and soy allergy and it just took it that long to get out of both of our systems and for him to heal. We’re starting to get into a routine.

So, just when I thought I was about to go crazy from lack of sleep and worry, things start to finally look up.  Little man is sleeping in stretches longer than 2 hours, for at least part of the night.  Sure, he wants to eat every two hours during the day, but at least I get a good stretch of sleep at night. And, he hasn’t woken up screaming in pain in over a week!  I am so excited!

So, living dairy and soy free means a lot of extra cooking on my part.  Everything processed is out.  So, I’ve made pumpkin bread, and banana bread, and carrot nut bread.  I’ve made chocolate pudding made with avocados.  Casseroles are rough, because it is hard without cream or cheese.

I will be posting recipes very soon, once I get a free moment when I’m not exhausted … hopefully very soon.

I hate seeing him in pain

So, it’s been almost a month now, and my little man is still in pain.  Tomorrow, I have to starve him for four hours, give him a baby enema, and then watch as they stick a camera up his butt.  I hate to see him go through this, but I need to figure out what is wrong with him.  My poor little guy.

I’ve cut out dairy and soy for a month and a week.  So far, he is still having problems.  Things are difficult, because everything has soy in it.  We can’t eat out any more and I have to make almost everything from scratch.  It really makes having an infant and a 3-year-old even more difficult.

I will definitely post again once we know more.  I have lots of new ideas for cooking dairy and soy free, trying to keep it cost effective.  Most of the alternatives are very expensive.

The hits keep coming

After months during pregnancy unable to eat the things I liked because of gestational diabetes, I found out yesterday that more than likely, my son has an allergy to milk protein. So, now I will spend the next year and a half without eating dairy. No cheese, no yogurt, no cream, no milk chocolate. Oh the things we do for our children.

I’m a wreck.  I hate that what I am eating is making my little boy be in so much pain.  When he’s awake, he’s crying.  And, it’s not just a little cry, it’s blood-curdling screams.  He’s writhing in pain, which is bringing back my tendinitis.  I want nothing more than to comfort him and make him feel better.

Jade likes to take advantage of my weaknesses.  She’s very smart that way. She knows that Maxwell is not doing well.  She knows that I am having a bad day.  She chooses the worst days to say “no” every time I ask her to do something.  She is pushing me to see if I’ll break.  Well, if last night is any indicator, I’m so close to breaking. I sat in bed, holding my crying son, crying my eyes out.  Then, at 2 a.m., when I woke up for a feeding, Jade was up for at least an hour coughing from her allergies, and Maxwell was up kicking and cringing from stomach pain.  I cried again.

I think I’m doing well, because I want to cry all the time, but held it to just those couple of times.  Unfortunately, I’ve yelled at my poor 3-year-old daughter more times than I would like, because I’m losing control of my emotions.

But, I’ve started exercising, so maybe that will help.  I took them both on a nice mile and a half walk around the neighborhood, pushing them in my new stroller.  I still had pain, but I made it. Maybe if I keep it up, I will feel better.  I can only hope.

One month gone

My baby boy is 1 month old.  I will never again hold a brand new baby. My little boy is betting bigger and bigger.  I am falling apart.

Well, we had trouble breastfeeding.  I am so jealous of all those people who have an easy time with it.  Maxwell had a difficult time latching in the beginning, and my milk didn’t come in as fast as he needed it to, so he lost more than a pound from birth to the end of the first week.  At day 3, because of our experience with Jade and her weight-loss and because of Maxwell’s jaundice, we decided to start supplementing with formula, and I started pumping to try to increase supply.  This was the devastating to me because I had hoped that all of Jade’s problems were because I was so sick, and that this time would be better.

We were released from the hospital, and because of the billy blanket and the supplementing, Maxwell’s jaundice was under control and almost gone.  But, after visiting the doctor, he still wasn’t gaining weight the way he needed to be.  So, we had to supplement more.  I was on the exhausting routine of pumping after every time we fed, and we were feeding every 2 hours.  The world revolved around my boobs again.

After 2 weeks, we were at the point where we were no longer using formula to supplement, but just pumped milk, so I felt a little better.  The good news was that after 3 weeks, we were no longer supplementing at all.  My little man was gaining weight with just what he got off of me, and if we tried to bottle feed him, he would throw up.  I was very excited that we were so far ahead of where we had been with Jade.

But, I still feel like the worst mother in the world.  He’s always hungry.  He’s still feeding every 1-2 hours, including at night.  I’m exhausted.  Jade wants to play, but I’m always feeding Maxwell.  I feel like I’m neglecting her, and I miss playing with her.  The few times I’ve gotten to play with her, it’s been cut short by a crying Maxwell.  She seems to be ok, but I feel horrible.

I cry a lot.  The only time I’m not crying is when Jade is around. She keeps me strong, mostly because if I even show a sad face she says “Mommy, why do you have this sad face?” It breaks my heart.  So, I store it all up and I ball all night long, with my wonderful husband sleeping to one side of me and my adorable son sleeping to the other side of me. (or crying in my arms, or nursing).  So, is this just baby blues, or do I have postpartum depression again?

Time is flying by so fast. My little girl is growing up. My little boy is growing up. And, I can’t help but think that I am screwing them both up.

He’s Here!

My world is complete.  I now have everything I could ever dream of.  I have a wonderful husband, a beautiful daughter, and now a handsome son.

Maxwell Lee arrived at 9:28 a.m. on January 9, 2013.  It was rough.  I arrived early, so they could test my platlets, which had been low, and they didn’t take me back until late.  After finally testing everything and seeing I was ok, they attempted to get my epidural going.  My legs were numbed, but when they tried to put the catheter in, it hurt. So, they called the doctor, and they had him redo my epidural.  So, I’m extremely pregnant, nervous as can be, emotional as can be, and now my epidural is failing for my repeat c-section.

Well, the doctor puts it in himself, and it works this time.  They take me back to the operating room only a few minutes behind schedule, but as I wait in the bright, cold room, Jeremy’s not there.  I ask if he’s coming, and they promise me they won’t start without him, but I’m getting scared.  I need him.  He’s my rock.  I try not to cry again, since my hands are pinned down and I won’t be able to wipe the tears away.

He comes in and they begin, and the tugging and cutting is much longer and more brutal than I remember it from 3 years before.  And, as they are about to take him out, I look over at my monitor, not feeling so well,and see that my blood pressure is very low (like 50/20).  Jeremy quickly asks the nurse about it, and she quickly gives me something, which brings it back up, and makes a comment that it is ok since they know what is causing it.  I feel like I’m going to pass out, but then I hear him cry.  My baby is alive and here!

After a few minutes, they bring him over to me, all wrapped up, and he’s beautiful!  But now I have to come up with a name.  We went in with it narrowed down to either Maxwell or Sebastian.  What did he look like?  Well, he could have been either.  He was just perfect, but I wasn’t sure which way to go.  We picked Maxwell, and they were off.  I was “alone” and my husband and son were off to get tests done.

They sew me up and take me to recovery, where I can’t stop shaking.  It is like I’m cold, but I’m not.  My body was convulsing every couple of minutes.  Then it would calm down for a minute and it would start up again.

Good news was that Maxwell’s blood sugar was good.  Bad news was that his breathing was too fast for the doctor’s liking.  So, we didn’t have to give him formula, but we had to send him to the “transition nursery” instead of coming to the room with me, to nurse and bond.

So, I’m shaking uncontrollably, and they are taking my baby away.  What a nightmare!!!

5 hours later, they finally brought him back to me, and the road to being a family of 4 finally began.  It was a rough start, and the adventures in breastfeeding only continued that rough start.   But, I’m a fighter, and my little man is a fighter, and we are going to get through this.  He is going to gain weight.  I am not going to get postpartum depression. We are going to get through this a lot better than we did in the beginning with Jade.

More adventures to come soon.